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Falling Away From Me

I've been pretty conflicted lately about what to post and what not to. I mean, sometimes I don't really know what the point is anyway. Unless it's something humorous or embarrassing, it's likely pretty uninteresting for those of you readers who weren't involved. But at the same time I realize that getting my feelings out there gives me some peace; some deceptive validation that somehow maybe I'm not so out of line or alone.

And what I found today is that reading through the archives can give me an interesting insight as to how I got to right here right now. What Kelly & I had has completely disintegrated and lately, I've been wondering when it was that I let go of the dreams we had when we were together. When we went our separate ways in April, there were still moments of lucidity. Moments when we'd discuss his plans and what each other wanted. Times when the softness came through the pain I saw in his eyes and I felt a sting in my heart and thought that maybe there was hope for us after all. And then we'd be apart. And I felt unburdened and - fine I'll admit it - excited to be me without the pressure of worrying about how that will affect someone else. It was like learning who I was all over again. And then we'd see each other at volleyball and he'd drink and his bitterness would show through his attitude. He literally would not say a kind word to me or to our friends. Everything was laced with sarcasm and cynicism. Ism's that in moderation can be funny, but you can have too much of a good thing. A few weeks ago we rode to volleyball together and when we got back to his place he asked if I'd stay and chat awhile. I obliged. We talked about work mostly. No matter what I said, he argued with me. I'd agree with him and then he'd disagree with me which by deduction is to disagree with himself. Beyond that his tone was rude and condescending. I blew it off at first. I mean, I know he's not trying to be this way. He's just having a hard time controlling his reactions. But finally I realized that if I stuck around I was only going to end up angry and that wouldn't get either one of us anywhere. I think that was when I accepted that there really isn't any turning back. He is far too hurt to think clearly when he sees me. Our interactions will never be up to his expectations and he'll leave feeling unfulfilled and unloved. And that's not fair to either of us.

And besides that, I'm comfortable saying that I did all that I could do. I know I tried everything I could to stay together - to keep the spark lit. I laid all of my cards out on the table. I clearly stated what I needed and what I was willing to do and asked for any other/better ideas. I asked him to think about what he needs and what I could do to make things easier for him because I felt that maybe he was feeling unfulfilled which was making him act out in other ways. He made promises that he wasn't able to keep and I was left feeling resentment for keeping mine. This cycle repeated several times over the last 18 months until the last time I was left not feeling resentment but closure. So why do I have to feel responsible for his sorrow now? What about my pain back then? I'm feeling like some of my friends and family aren't behind me. That they don't understand why I broke up with such a nice guy. Kelly is a nice guy - he's a fantastic guy. When he gets his shit together, he's going to make someone extremely happy. But in the end, I realized that just because he's not a bad guy, doesn't mean he's the right guy. Why should I settle? What about me requires me to sacrifice myself? I'm loyal to a fault and that is possible. I'll stay until I absolutely have exhausted every facet of myself in trying to make things work. Sometimes you have to do what is right for you. Sometimes nobody else will.

Well that turned into a venting session. I have reservations about posting this and I'll give Kelly a fair warning in case he's still checking this site. I really don't want to cause him any more pain. But this is my website and if I'm not who I am on my website, then it's really pretty obsolete.

So while I might clean it up for my parents and I try not to embarrass my friends here, I guess I've come to realize that no matter what I do, some of this content will hurt Kelly and there's not much I can do about it barring shutting it down completely. So I give you my apology and anyone else who's been in his place. Please don't misunderstand me - I'm not trying to be vicious. But I gotta be me.

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Comments

I agree, You do need to find what you really want Maybe I was not the one for you, and maybe I will never be the one for you. I am fine with that. Do not feel sorry for me that is something that you do not have to worrie about. That is my problem. I will be back on Mon I am on Vacation for the week.

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