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The Wisdom of John Cougar Mellencamp

"Baby, baby don't misunderstand me". That has to be the theme for the past week. Or maybe "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy". About 1,000 songs come to mind, but seriously.

To My Peeps:

This is a weird time for me. I've defined myself for the past 3 years based on someone else. Our dreams, our goals, our life. That's changed. I'm still the same person inside, I still have the same dreams and desires, but the definition of myself has changed slightly. Partly just inherent to the situation, but mostly because I finally saw that it needed to. I'm a giver. I like that about me but so many times I give too much of myself away. I'm working hard to keep things in check - I've got to take care of me first. This doesn't mean being completely selfish, I couldn't live with myself then, but if I don't take care of me, I can't expect anyone else to. I neglected my girlfriends which I have vowed never to do again. It's so easy to say and strangely difficult to do, but I can't let boys get in the way of my girls. They're the ones who will be there when the boy is nowhere to be found. I'm trying to find my center. I feel like I'm all over the place right now - sometimes I think I have everything figured out and then 5 minutes later I'm wondering which way is up. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to need some slack until I'm once again comfortable in my skin. I'm sorry I don't make sense sometimes and I'm sorry if I've made bad decisions. But ultimately, they're mine and I'll take responsibility for them. I just hope you'll understand that the basis on which I'm making said decisions is changing right now and I just might not be very consistent a little while longer. I'll get there though - I will. And please don't misunderstand my showing of strength. I'm good at exuding confidence and well-being. But I still need you. I need a hug once in awhile. Most of all I need your approval and support. And apparently help staying away from Jägermeister.

Love and straight jackets,
Cari

PS. Heather & I talked about June 16th's post last night. The tone in which I said "she sort of apologized" didn't come through in black and white. It wasn't sarcastic in the least. I know that things that I write here are subject to interpretation and misrepresentation and I'm usually really careful about that. The only explanation I have is that the past 2 weeks have been extremely difficult for me. There's been a lot of hurt and confusion and subsequent disproportionate emotions. Guess what I'm trying to say is I've been having a hard time keeping things into perspective. I understand her irritation and how what was written could be taken the wrong way, but I also hope she understands that this is what it is - just a blog and if something did bother me enough to be upset about, I would talk to her about it. We were frustrated at the time but it passed - everyone was drinking - shit happens. I honestly didn't think much of it afterwards - I mean it sucked, no doubt about it, but I wasn't losing sleep over it. I only wrote about it because it happened - not to be vindictive or to put anyone down. I love her too much to be mad at her over that. I need her too much to sweat the small stuff. The root of the problem really doesn't have anything to do with any of this but we talked about that, too. It's really hard when your former boyfriend is keeping close contact i.e. came over and hung out with your cousin who is your best friend and happens to live where you live. It's difficult not to feel - for lack of a better word - betrayed. Take that lightly. It's just a stupid emotion and I know it's not intended. It's something I'm learning how to deal with. So things will be better from now on. I just gotta believe!

I'll write about the weekend later - I think I'll let this sink in first.

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Comments

That is betrayal to have your ex over to the house if you live there. Best friends should care about your feelings enough not to even think about invading your space like that. If they were being more solid for you, you probably wouldn't feel so lost right now. But hang in there, I'm sure you have people in your corner that you don't even know are backing you up.

Hi Cari,

I agree with Lisa, that is pretty lame and they should be more sensitive about having him over even if they are still friends.

Keep venting and writing it all out, even if you don't post it, it all helps.

And I am going to continue to send good thoughts your way, you are a hell of a gal.

-jason

Thank you so much for the understanding and support. It's completely unexpected and I can't tell you how much it's appreciated. Believe me - I could use the pick-me-ups!

I agree, they could be more sensitive about things. But at the same time, I'm so good at being strong and not good at asking for help, so I can see how they could think that it wouldn't bother me. The real question is: if you act without thinking you'll hurt someone, and if you're really sorry after you do, isn't it forgivable? Sometimes it's all just bad timing!

And thanks for the good thoughts. Good vibes can really take you places - back at ya.

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