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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

5 Reasons You Should Not Play Volleyball Drunk

5

You dive sober. Often and with enough force that your team has threatened to bring Charmin to cushion your fall. No restraint on a typical day? Even less after a couple of Sapphires! Read: It's bad when your chest and shoulder hits the sand first. 37 times in a row.

4

It's 99 degrees without a cloud in the sky. You're hot, sweaty, and diving indiscriminately into the 150 degree sand. You're not quite drunk enough to overlook the fact that you know it's going to hurt tomorrow.

3

Delayed reaction time equals increased probability of being smacked forehead-style with Abe's wicked serve.

 

2

Because the perfect balance of gin and oxygen in your bloodstream makes you think that you can spike the ball at the net. You're still 5'1". Also, makes you think that you can jump from the boat to another boat even though it's drifting away at the moment. Ah, yes, the virgin big island experience did not disappoint! We had 4 BI-virgins on our boat, what's your ratio? :)

And the number 1 reason
not to play drunken volleyball...

Need I say more?

I even had to miss softball tonight. But they were able to find a girl to take my place and won. After their 17-7 victory I'm afraid they may want her to permanently replace me!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The Way We Were

I had a moment of clarity Wednesday night. In between glasses of wine, the balance board, playing cards for push-ups...it occurred to me:

I'm the kind of girl that has a slight temptation to lift the toilet seat when done if it was up when I arrived.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

It's My Birthday

Too bad I already got retarded last night.

Tip: When there are 4 shots of patron lined up at the bar waiting for midnight? Run.

I couldn't even finish mine. And then I realized, my liver is 29 today too.

My pre-birthday present was that I did not injure myself playing softball last night! My first real birthday present was the patron I suppose but one that isn't going to punish me is that my garbage man picked up my garbage which is awesome because he forgot me last week and it's been sitting out there since.

I can tell I'm "patron'ed" because I'm even typing slow.

Headaches and candles, what a lovely combination!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Trick or Treater?

Do lawn treatments work?

I could do it myself, but I'm afraid I'd overdo and burn my lawn. Also, I have no tools. I think spreaders are pretty cheap but if choosing a fertilizer is anything like picking grass seed or a lawn mower, I'd better get there when the store opens because it could be a long day.

Other than fertilizing, I have a minor dandelion problem along with some clover. I'm just a little crimson short of a Tommy James number. I was also grossed out by patches of mushrooms in the grass between the sidewalk and the street. I found them when I used my shiny red lawn mower for the first time yesterday. I couldn't bring myself to mow over them. Partly for fear that would somehow spread them to the uninfected parts of my grass, but mostly because I couldn't stand the thought that they might get on my shiny red lawn mower! There must be some kind of disorder to explain this.

So, have you used a lawn service before (for fertilizing and/or weed control)?
What are your experiences?

I'm mainly considering Green Horizons because they're earth friendly. I also found Scotts Lawn Service but if it's anything like their other branded items, I imagine they may be overpriced. I have a coupon for TruGreen Chemlawn but have heard very mixed things about them.

I've also considered digging it all up in favor of astroturf. Then I could have a line painting party!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Food for Thought

There are six of us and twelve 2-for-1 pints on the table.

We're discussing movies and Brokeback Mountain makes its way to topic-of-the-quarter-hour. Everyone's seen it, but me. Overall, nobody was impressed. Not particularly bothered, but none left the film a changed person. The only other girl at the table said she was turned off by the man's relationship with the woman. He's gay, but is pursuing and being physical with this woman and his feelings and passion seem genuine. She questioned how a person could really want both so severely. A rational discussion about bisexuality ensues. The guy to my right said, "I like women. It's not like I could just like to be with men sometimes without being gay." To which I said, "I'm not a vegetarian, but sometimes I eat only vegetables."

Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Name Game

Want to help us pick our volleyball team name? Vote now!


Name:

  

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Ain't Pitching a Bitch?

Jessica helped me warm up before the game. She was empowering. If nothing else, I have the nicest catcher in the league.

I walked the first guy and being rattled crossed my mind, but I wasn't about to let that thought materialize. I took a deep breath and just like that, the world was on mute.

The girl chose to take the walk and I pitched two balls to the next guy. I felt dangerously close to a 3rd inning repeat. I wished on every star I've ever seen that the next pitch would be a strike.

I shouldn't have wished so hard.

It was a meatball. Not the kind that you get at the Americanized Italian chain, no. The big tender kind that Mama spent hours on to get it just right. The kind that you brag about just because you know the chef through a friend of a friend. Yes, this was the kind that you couldn't help but want to be a part of.

And the bat had no intentions of turning down the open invitation. He swung and the next thing I knew, I heard an unnatural sound and found myself looking behind me for the ball. There it was about 8 feet away from me. I took two steps towards it, but was surprised by the sharp pain. I swallowed my voice and went to the ground. It was then I realized the intense throbbing of my knees was in fact instigated by the ball and not spontaneous combustion. The line driven meatball I served him cracked me directly in the kneecaps. Yes, that is plural. I managed to catch the ball with BOTH knees.

I think I'm going to have to wear my broomball gear to softball.

Reflexes are something else. While it's too bad that mine are apparently 1" too slow, it still amazes me that I never even saw the ball much less consciously did anything about it, yet reportedly, I managed to get my glove within an inch of it and bend my knees to it in an effort to block it. Freaking reflexes! You are no longer allowed to reflex any body part in front of a moving object of any kind. Including cotton from a cotton tree.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

A Dirty Lesson

Another difference between pitching and playing outfield? The surface on which you play.

Anyone who has seen, played, or been in close enough proximity of me to know anything about my softball past has witnessed my diving, rolling, somersaulting catches in first or third person.

It's instinct.

Animals rely on their instincts to stay alive. If I were an animal relying on such instincts, I would most certainly be in heaven, hell, or purgatory.

Towards the end of last week's game, I was clearly disappointed in my pitching ability and went all-out for an easy ground ball up the 1st baseline.

I dove.

I couldn't help it.

The shorts couldn't save me - I raspberried my right forearm, full thigh and my left knee. Also, there was no play. The runner touched first base at about the instant I hit the ground.

I'd better start bringing a first aid kit to the games. It's not likely that I'm going to learn the lesson that grass is much more forgiving than the infield before sacrificing more of my knees.

Monday, May 01, 2006

The 50-foot Walk of Shame

I've probably pitched 20 balls in my lifetime.

During practice.

3 minutes before Tuesday's game, Gary says to me, "Can you pitch?"

Unsure whether this was a question of aptitude or willingness, I said I could, but it's been 15 years. Years.

I got about 10 practice pitches in before the ump declared, "Play ball!"

It's going amazingly well. The guys are hitting baby grounders - I'm probably pitching them a bit short. I'm walking a lot of the girls but they're getting forced out at 2nd. Two innings - no score. I was feeling good enough - still nervous but no longer shaking as if there was a pistol to my head warning against the potential walk. It was 14-0, us.

3rd inning spells disaster. I walked a guy. So he takes 2nd and the girl decides to take the walk instead of batting. The guys begin crowding the plate, swinging the bat, and other obnoxious tactics that I'm trying my very best not to let bother me. But it does. I walk 5 in a row which ends up scoring 5. Then they get a good hit. Scores 3. Walk, hit, scores 1. When all was said and done, they'd scored 11 runs in one inning. I was devastated.

Our team was encouraging still and irritated that a team would actually not swing at anything on a rec league, but I suppose, that is the name of the game.

We score a few more, but end up losing by a run in the bottom of the 4th. The only saving grace was that I didn't walk it in.

I swallowed the lump in my throat when I heard one of the guys celebrate, "Can you believe we came back from being down 14-0?!

The shame turned quickly to anger when I heard them snickering about the pitching. "We would have won by a lot more if we wouldn't have swung at all."

Ouch!

I need practice.

Reverse Magic 8-ball

Most certainly so
Signs point to possibly

Have you lost your mind?
Are you sure you had one to lose?

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