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Monday, December 25, 2006

The Truth

The truth is that at this moment, I think I just bit the "it's not you, it's me" thing hook, line, and sinker.

On Christmas.

He said he'd call. He said he'd call Saturday or Sunday and while we exchanged a few texts, he didn't initiate and not for the reason discussed. And I was hurt, but understanding. I know this is hard for him too.

But today, he said he would contact me later. And he didn't. And I'm consequently destroyed. And I shouldn't be. Certainly, I don't deserve to be. I might think so, but nobody else does.

I have this epiphany as I'm leaving my best friend and another who are supportive but for different reasons. Chad, because he loves me. Because we see each other in each other but simultaneously probably don't really understand each other (by now, he must think I've gone off the deep end). Yet it's unconditional. And I'm thankful for it. Every day. Todd, for maybe another reason or 17. He's a good soul who might have collided with mine at an inopportune time last year. The bottom line is that, I felt it. The collectiveness. The belonging. Its importance. Its ineffectiveness at desperate inconsolable times like these.

But I left, needing Chad, needing something. And we watched Next over ice water and cashews and he held me loosely. And I was grateful. I was bursting inside.

When I left 15 minutes later, I was ready to face home. The packing, the reality. I am leaving in 14 hours for Vegas. A presumably happy place. But right now, I'm driving home without conviction. And I'm welling. And I'm wondering if my sputtering phone is the reason for my heartache. Chad dropped it in water. He was sorry, I was but I wasn't. We considered its appropriateness. Its necessity. I was driving. My cheeks are cold in streams. I'm hating it.

Because it is in fact, the fact that I haven't heard from the one person that I believed I loved. That I believed loved me. And I know in my mind that it's not my phone's waterlogged disdain that has kept him from contacting me. If he wanted to, he could call Chad. Because I texted from Chad's phone after my phone found its way to the bottom of Chad's water glass. Which followed a semi-rational discussion over what's normal for me to want to call when I was told I would be called. But other than my half-operative phone, he could call my house. Which I met with hopeful disappointment to find my Dad's voicemail instead of his, "Hi, it's me, I'm sorry it didn't work out tonight".

Am I a fool?

Did I believe something I shouldn't?

God, help me if I have.

Because I really did believe this was truth. It. Life. Honor.

I trusted myself. I'm not sure what to do if I shouldn't have. Either way, I must protect my optimism.

Even Mr. Big was profound even when he wasn't.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


I just spent an inordinate amount of time clearing out spammer comments.

Since comments are rare occurrences, I'm going to turn on authentication. Any comments will have to go through an approval process unless you go through the authentication process.

Not sure how it works? Leave me a comment and it will walk you through signing in! Satisfaction guaranteed.

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