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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

IFTTT

In some ways, I know how strong I am. Capable. I think that's a better word for it. I will get that shit done! This year, I surprised even myself by both my talents and my weaknesses. I don't have to talk about the strengths of 2017. I did that on social media in the vain attempt to prove I was alright. I wasn't. I'm not even sure I am.

I'm just so angry that I fell for it. Not once, but twice. I failed my son and let him get hurt. Twice. How can I forgive myself?

I spent the first couple months angry at him. For the lies and the secrets. For the selfishness and games he was playing. It really is impossible to start the next chapter if you're still re-reading the last. Tough to turn the page when your ex makes you a collaborator on a Spotify playlist the week after he dumps you and adds a handful of the meaningful songs you used to listen to together along with songs about missing someone, hoping to meet again someday, can't stop thinking about you, the first time your heart's ever been broken. You get the idea. This happened all summer and I got a cute little weekly notification of the songs added that week. Every week. I thought about adding a song. A statement song. And the hot lava in my heart would start to expand and boil over. My heart was both exploding and empty at the same time. And This Town started playing and I lost my composure. I really was in love. I think he loved me too, but it wasn't a selfless love and it was far from unconditional.

I didn't want to get back together. Deep down, I was relieved. He wasn't actually a good man. I believed him when he told me his ex-girlfriend used to snoop through his phone and I thought that was a reflection on her. Until he accused me of doing the same. He told me he set traps on his phone trying to catch me looking at his phone. And even though I was never caught in said traps (um, because I wasn't looking through his phone), he was convinced. I suppose because in his mind, how else could I know he was up to no good? Certainly not because anytime I was within 5 feet of him he'd quickly put his phone away. Or his bizarrely timed distant behavior, sudden crankiness or obviously presenting things we were doing together as if he were doing it alone. Meals, events, vacations, etc. And then I think to myself, did his ex-girlfriend really snoop through his phone? No, I didn't need this. I didn't deserve this. Nobody does. I feel bad for the year+ that I thought his ex-girlfriend was crazy. Hey girl - you're free - I'm sure *I'm* being presented as the crazy ex-girlfriend now LOL

So my anger towards him shifted to mistrust of myself. How could I ever trust my judgement again? It took awhile, but I finally realized. My judgement chimed in plenty of times. I just shushed it. Shhh, don't ruin it. This is fun! We're in love, our chemistry is amazing, our kids are best pals. It's going to work out!

What is the lesson?

A partner should not take more than they give. They should be proud to be with you. They should respect you. They should want to know you, your family and friends. They should want you to know theirs. They shouldn't have secrets. They shouldn't think they're better than you. Or anyone really (do they talk crap about everyone? Pay attention!!). If something hurts you, they should care even if they don't understand. And they should try to understand. They shouldn't try to manipulate you and get angry with you if you don't comply. It isn't always going to be easy, but it shouldn't always be hard. Avoid the yellow fever.

In the end, I do believe I'm stronger. I am committed to myself and to raising my son. I'm happy and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I know who I am, where I stand, belong and want to go. To anyone who's said they hope he suffers, I might have too at first; but not anymore. I hope things work out for him because I hope mine is the last heart he breaks. And it does feel good to let it out. I was shushed for way too long. Exhale.

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