Thursday, May 09, 2013

Everything Will Kill You. Eventually.

It's not funny, but it kind of is... I've been joking for years about the American cycle of "everything is bad for you; eventually". I've always used sunscreen as an example. Don't leave home without it, but wait until we're told it causes cancer.

Your future is bright. Beware of how you're blocking it.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Limerick Week 2010: Numero Uno

You may recall last year’s limericks
I’d adopted a dog to do tricks
The best one she had
She found me a lad
In August we will be hitched!

Last Year's Limericks

Well, it's that time of year again!

Importation Day (or St Patrick's Day for the rest of you) is in one week so let the Limericks* begin!

Limerick subject suggestions welcome and encouraged!
Seriously, help the Asian equivalent of Irish out!

#1 Tuesday 3/10
There once was a lass named Cari
She wasn't sure she'd ever marry
She adopted a yellow lab
Who didn't like any lads
Perhaps Nika would prefer for Cari a "Terri"?

#2 Wednesday 3/11
There once was a chap named Dean
Oh how he wanted his beer green
So he waited all year
'Til green turned his beer
Now he's green too so it seems

#3 Wednesday 3/11
This is a story about Randy
The best roommate ever, he's dandy!
I don't mean to brag
He's really chips in a bag
And of course his girlfriend's eye candy

We're going for quantity, not necessarily quality :)

Monday, April 20, 2009

Boobs

A text chat about Forgetting Sarah Marshall went like this:

C:  All of the manhood shots were a bit much.
M:  Gratuitous penis shots? That's new. I'm sure you really minded...
C:  Maybe that's why I forget Sarah Marshall. Too distracted by all of the "Marshall" in the movie.
M:  It really shouldn't be that shocking with all of the boobs in movies and TV these days.
C:  But it's not like you can impregnate someone with boobs.

The emphasis on the word "boobs" did not come through in type.


Footnote: I love how they don't even mention his "Forgetting" role in Jason Segel's CBS bio and he not only starred, but wrote it!

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Softballs Might Be Bigger, But Golfers Have Better Aim

Dear whomever was hitting (or shooting) GOLFBALLS off your roof,

Thank you for pelting me in the head. I know it's highly improbable that it would actually find its way into my car on the freeway through the partially lowered window at 11:30pm on a weeknight, but clearly, you didn't realize you were dealing with the luckiest unlucky person in existence.

I'd like to return your golfball. Call me. I just want to talk, honest.

--> Target

P.S. I'm really not that bitter. It does make for a good story. If not only because I survived it without breaking the window or flipping my car up the exit ramp. Seriously!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Apprehended

Kayla tucked me safely into a cab upon my declaration I wanted to go home.

This news is relayed to Chad, who at the same time, sees Josh. He immediately knows that I did not stay in said cab so he runs upstairs with his cell phone connecting to mine.

Sure enough, I'm loose on the street. Chad is a bona fide Cowboy for his wrangling skills. He found Josh by Bella Notte, talked me back to the LT and had us in a cab all within 10 minutes. Truly folks, he is a-mazing.

Sadly, even with his mad skills, he was unable to prevent me from falling 1/2 block away from where he was. We were talking, he saw me running, and he saw me fall. Apparently, my left foot left the sidewalk unexpectedly landing in the street. My body followed my foot although not vertically. The fact that this was somewhat in the vicinity of the light rail made Chad's heart jump in his throat as he ran to save me.

At this point I'm somewhat uncertain about taking the cab. God only knows why. Maybe because I almost fell into one's trunk! Chad's friend Rob aided in the pouring of Berger into the cab. After a brief discussion about my not being sure I didn't want to go back into the bar, it finally registers that I'm not missing a thing and it's time to go home.

As I succumb to the pouring, I look at Rob who is handling me tentatively. To which I explain, "You know why I'm resisting you right? You're a strange man trying to put me in a car."

I'm never going to live that one down!

I took them to an apologetic breakfast the next morning. I might not have been the best driver - how many U-turns were made? I think we lost count. But Ike's makes the meanest breakfast quesadilla this side of Maine.

I have the best friends in the world. And a $400 charge on my visa. Sweet!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The Way We Were

I had a moment of clarity Wednesday night. In between glasses of wine, the balance board, playing cards for push-ups...it occurred to me:

I'm the kind of girl that has a slight temptation to lift the toilet seat when done if it was up when I arrived.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Hoosier Final Four

Greetings from the Westin in Indy - I can't believe I didn't realize the Final Four was THIS WEEKEND. I'm sure I could have stretched this out a few more days!

I seated myself at a small airport bar table in gate F today. I ordered a beer and connected to the airport WiFi. Things were good.

I was warm so I removed my pretty blue coat. I'm wearing a shirt that has a small pocket on the left arm. Somehow I noticed that the pocket had managed to remove itself and reattach to the right arm. No shit, I had my shirt on backwards. Luckily, there was no obvious print or design that would make my faux paus clear to anyone else as long as I didn't shout it out loud which is nearly what I did. I might have sunk an inch in my chair but I was amused and enjoyed the 2nd sip of my beer despite myself.

The 3rd sip spelled disaster. Or did it? I spilled my beer and Betsy was quick with napkins and directions to the closest restroom.

I grabbed my coat and promptly reversed my shirt in the nearest stall.

I gave myself the opportunity to resolve my wardrobe issue and hide the beer mismanagement. So yes, I am an opportunist. Cheers!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Float Like a Butterfly

Sting like a bee...
It doesn't feel good
When you take the stairs on your knees

What's better? It happened at a work function.

I organize the fun stuff at work and tonight, we had our group quarterly event. Four of our California team-members were in town to partake in the festivities.

We played bocce ball in the basement of Half-Time Rec in St. Paul.

We had a great time. Sean was hesitant to be my bocce partner - I'm sure the memory of me almost nailing him with my backswing at our mini-golf-outing was fresh in his mind. Happy to report, nobody was injured on the bocce court.

During the championship round, I was sent upstairs to get one last pitcher of beer. The bartender overfilled it so I asked for a glass. I poured the excess beer into the glass and carried on with the pitcher in my left hand, the glass in my right. I made it a couple of stairs before I tumbled to my death.

With 3 stairs to go, I somehow managed to stop my forward momentum by slamming the pitcher into the brick wall with my left hand and hooking my right hand around the railing, pint in grasp. It was a miracle. I was in the crucifix position on my shins - my shins! - with both feet unnaturally curled behind me.

To earn the respect of my co-workers once and for all, I managed not to spill more than 3 ounces of beer.

Apparently, in lieu of broomball, I felt I had to inflict bodily harm on myself.

According to my hands, I was in a semi-serious bar fight. The bruise on my left elbow is such that it hurts to even look at it, I ruined my shoes, and scraped the corduroy out of my favorite corduroy pants.

But I saved the beer and provided entertainment.

And for that, the team is thankful.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Cari-ism #654

Thought for the day:

"What you don't remember, didn't kill you"

Friday, July 01, 2005

Cari-ism #277

Our division is split between 2 states and 3 locations. We have lots of meetings (read: conference calls). We have our first video conference giving us the opportunity to put a face with the name.

We broke into groups and brainstormed. My group chose me to present.

The first item to discuss was a Centralized Document Repository.

Which, thanks to me, is now referred to as the Centralized Document Suppository.

Yes, I said suppository in a video conference. That was taped.

And I didn't even realize it.

Post-meeting, the guys were laughing. They suspiciously stopped as I approached. I asked what was so funny, they said, "You don't know what you said in the meeting?!"

I turned a shade of red that's illegal in most states. Because yes, everyone noticed. (with the exception of me)

I almost saved myself by explaining, hey, it was just my way of saying "Take this document and shove it."

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Rated NC-17

Went to the Twins game last night.

Sat next to 2 small boys and their Dad.

Said "Shit" and cowered afterwards too many times.

Also said, "I think I believed in Santa Claus until then"

To which Russ responded, "First you're a trucker, now you're ruining Christmas!"

Thankfully I think the whole thing was lost on the boys and am certain they still believe in that guy in the big red suit.

I topped the whole thing off by giving them the Wally the Beerman cards Russ got for us. I gave them beerman cards.

I'm definitely destroying America's next generation.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Cari-ism #923

Between jello shots, everyone found time to enjoy the great spread everyone contributed to. I've already mentioned the cream puffs, but after the first bite I nearly melted and asked, "Who said you can't eat happiness?!?"

To which everyone replied, "Well, Hello, Happiness"

I have a new nickname.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Meaning

In all of this, I finally found the meaning!

I feel much better now.

Although, I find definition 2 a bit disconcerting. I am short, but chubby? I do run and I guess, try to run fast, and I live in Minneapolis. WTH? Kind of scary.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Cari-ism #648

Ever felt bouncy?

Last night, leaving Doyle's, I had a bouncy moment. Maybe I had a cheerleading flashback, maybe Sherry's Pooh blanket rubbed off on me, I'm sure I'll never know.

Regardless, one thing is certain. My cheerleading days are long gone. Not only can I no longer kick my leg over my head without displacing at least 5 vertebrae, but when performing a simple herkie jump, I managed to kick my own hand hard enough to bruise it and break a nail.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Cari-ism #472

These cupcakes taste just like cake!

I was actually surprised when I bit into the cupcake. I wasn't expecting sweetness, I was expecting muffin-ness. Because they were naked cupcakes. That is, without icing. Yes, I now realize that cupcakes are made of cake.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

You know it's bad...

When you have to pee at 9am and realize at 2:30pm that you haven't gone yet.

Pretty much the story of my life for the past couple of weeks.

I don't think anyone really missed me, except for maybe Jason which is such a pleasant surprise because I mean, if I were in jail, at least SOMEONE would notice and possibly bail my sorry ass out.

I'm just kidding. I'm sure my landlord would notice when the rent went unpaid.

But seriously. The Wolves game was awesome. The best seats I've ever had and the beer was seriously delicious. So delicious in fact that I had to have 1 too many. Luckily I was able to contain my drunken stupor until we met my cousin and her husband at Urban Wildlife for 3 shots of Jägermeister and sword fights with the Timberwolves Thunder Sticks. I cherish those Thunder Sticks. You'd think they were filled with gold. Or magical beans.

My recollection was that Heather and Mike had to go home but apparently I had a drunken moment of sanity and decided that I, in fact, was too drunk to be in public and that Ryan and I should go home. Once outside the door I asked Ryan if we should go home, or go to meet Jill at the Refuge. He said home but I went to the Refuge with him in tow. We stayed for exactly 97 seconds - the precise amount of time it took me to almost fall over and drop a glass of water. We took a cab home because I didn't want to walk but half way home I felt too sick and asked to get out. I began running home. In sexy strappy 4" heeled sandals. I either didn't realize that I was on a curb and forgot that curbs end at intersections, or have bad night vision, or was too drunk to care either way. Anyhow, I fell face first in the middle of the street. Ryan can attest to the fact that I didn't stumble or make any effort to catch myself. It was as if I didn't even realize I was falling until I bit the asphalt. I did save the thunder stick however, sacrificing the back of my right hand. I mean, I can't lose my magic beans people - they're magic.

I'm still amazed that the only injury sustained was a tiny scrape on the back of my hand. Sadly it's one of those that will never ever heal and I will have a scab on the back of my hand until I'm 30.

So what other chaos have I been up to? Friday the 4th was our 2nd softball double-header. You may remember that I scraped up my right knee during our first game - the first at bat to be exact. Not to be outdone, I proceeded to slide at least 10 times. Most of them head-first in a vain attempt to protect my newly healed knee. My 2nd to last at bat I slid into 2nd, 3rd and home. The ump was concerned about my health, actually more accurately, probably my mental health. The other team was pissed off and I found out why after the game. I thought we were losing 14-16 when in fact, we were winning 14-6. So here's this girl taking extra bases, trying to be Torri Hunter when we're leading by 8 in the 4th inning. I guess I'd think it was a little unnecessary too. For the record, I was never out. And there was a play each time so I did actually have to slide to earn the run. So there. My suggestion? Buy stock in band-aids. I'm thinking it's on the rise.

My work buddy, Emily, is gone :(. But she left for a really great opportunity and she deserves the very best. I'm never going to take breaks without her! We partied at the Blue Fox Friday after work. Jill and Mandy came. It was a lot of fun. Although I told stories I shouldn't and danced way too much.

My great aunt Peg turned 88 and had a birthday party on Saturday. It was great to see everyone - it's been way too long! She's doing great and is very happy and fun. I want half of what she has when I'm 88 :)

I hope you're all well and happy and enjoying this beautiful weather! July is a much slower month for me - NO MORE WEDDINGS!!! Yay!

Hopefully I'll pull myself out of this crazy funk I'm in today. I just didn't start the day on the right foot. I need medication in the form of beer. I mean, I haven't had a beer in like 2 days. No wonder I'm not feeling well.

Later...

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Cari-ism #241 and 242

The set-up:
It's a bitter cold Saturday night. Or if you want to get technical, Sunday morning. Ryan and I give into the after-bar-Perkins-craving and make a break for the door. Here enters an older man clutching a newspaper.

As we run up the steps, he says, "Brrr! It's cold outside!"

To which I reply, "No, it's drunk outside!"

We are seated purposefully in the furthest corner of an empty section.

Our meals arrive and half-way through my omelet, I have this breakthrough. At the moment, I thought I'd actually made a unique observation. I put down my fork and with a quizzical look declared, "You know? There was a lot more food on my plate before I started eating."

As the words left the safety net of my mouth, I realized how stupid it was. But it was too late. I can't believe Ryan is still dating me.

Monday, June 30, 2003

Hindsight

Hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes it'd be nice if it weren't.

  • Was to meet Danielle & Ben at 6:30-7pm. Couldn't reach them, was in Maple Grove so crashed Dad's dinner party. Fun group of people.
  • Attempted to cleanse system by dousing internal organs with pineapple infused blue raspberry vodka.
  • Went uptown to meet Danielle & Ben at about 10pm.
  • Hung our hats at Williams Pub. Danielle forced us to do shots. Several.
  • Used to hang out at Williams when I was 21. The crowd is still 21. We are not.
  • Went back to D&B's. Ben said something about riding bikes around Lk Calhoun. In our underwear. Thankfully their bikes were too big for me. Unfortunately this means I attempted. Think Fear Factor meets the 3 Stooges.
  • Met friends at Sheiks. Had shirt on inside out after botched biking attempt. Positive this gave the wrong impression. Didn't care at the time. Do now.
  • Went to Becky's baby shower. Was really fantastic to see her - she's absolutely adorable. Also reunited with Jill and Sara - old friends are the best friends!
  • Drove to Mound armed with my liquor cabinet. Arrived with a lot of catching up to do. Caught up in good time.
  • Danced around and sang Baby Got Back. Started at Maynard's. You'll be shocked, but decided to move onto Fletcher's.
  • Got stuck behind slow moving vehicle on way to Fletcher's. Guilty of tailgating. Car moved to right, I thought it was moving over so I could pass. I passed on the left. Apparently a cop was directly behind me. Was pulled over. Certain occupants of turtle like vehicle were making their best told-you-so faces as they crawled past us. Cop was less than nice. Got ticket. Will be fighting said ticket. Wish me luck please.
  • Eventually made it to Fletcher's. Eventually bar closed. Eventually ended up at Jill's house.
  • Ate rest of pizza and cookie dough. Tasted so good, think will actually make a cookie dough pizza sometime.
  • Woke up, went to breakfast, laid out in sun, played volleyball for 3 1/2 hours. Cannot stay out of dirt. Made serious attempt to refrain from diving but gave up after realizing attempts to abstain might actually be making the situation worse.
  • Sang karaoke. I'm extremely sorry to the Venue's patrons. Also, Happy Birthday Jake!
  • Went to work, rebooted server, fought with backups. Only good thing is have this afternoon off. Will jog, lay out in sun, and maybe sleep until can head to Minnetonka for some skiing and football action. Someday will actually take a weekend easy. Maybe in 2004.

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