Saturday, June 27, 2015

There Can Be Only One

I guess I believe that now. I found a book in the street written by not the same James McMurtry. The pages were dusty but the words I already knew.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The Replication of Error

Here's a tip:

Don't reply to all asking everyone to "stop replying to all".

OMG!

Someone accidentally sent a question to all "users". Read: Hundreds of thousands of people.

A couple relevant replies came through,. It wasn't a big deal to delete 4 messages.

It was and is a big deal, however, to delete the 100 "please quit replying to all" reply alls.

Seriously people. You do realize you're getting your own reply when you reply to all, right?

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Clarified Butter

Prompted by multiple questions on the subject... I feel a clarification is in order.

If I have the inclination, motivation, and twisted sense to prefix someone's number with bogus 9's, I also know that it's not someone that I should invest any more in either. 9's are the new black. Blacklist that is.

Call off the dogs, there's no need to glock-9 my 9's! Thank you extremely much for your collective concern though - it really means a lot!

In this very personal social experiment that I've initiated, several things have happened. I've been surprised by the fact that I've been able to successfully fool myself. I mean, I've tried setting my clock time ten minutes fast, but when the alarm goes off - I know and still sleep ten minutes past the time I know I "have" to get my ass out of bed. I've been appalled at my lack of self-restraint, yet proud I found a solution that allows me the instant gratification in the moment without the consequences of the past. It has also taught me to realize when enough is enough. Drinking to the point of idiotic behavior that fosters the need for this type of self-manipulation is retarded.

And my head feels so much clearer since I've found and taken action on the root cause. Which is: I can hang with the boys, but I can't drink-for-drink hang with the boys. Duh.

So I'm good now. But if the FCC ever decides to implement a 999 area code, I'm screwed.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Trick or Treat

I played a trick on myself the other day.

So I had a brilliant idea.

I'm notorious. Ok, only semi-notorious, for making drunk phone calls I regret in the morning.

So my resolution? Add a few 9's before the number.

This has worked successfully a total of 2 times.

Fast-forward to the week after 9'ing the guy. I innocently day-time text him and he doesn't respond. I figure he's busy at work or maybe he's in a no-service location. After all, he does have less-than-stellar cellular.

Then I realize it's been 9 hours and surely by now he's been home within the digital network. And in the midst of my quasi-crazy what-could-he-be-thinking rationalization I realize: I CHANGED HIS NUMBER IN MY PHONE. Only someone at the 999-952-###-#### might have responded.

And that's how I played a trick on myself.

Happy 4th of July!

Lesson: Metamorphasizing numbers is effective only if you remember to retreat when you actually want to connect.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

A Dirty Lesson

Another difference between pitching and playing outfield? The surface on which you play.

Anyone who has seen, played, or been in close enough proximity of me to know anything about my softball past has witnessed my diving, rolling, somersaulting catches in first or third person.

It's instinct.

Animals rely on their instincts to stay alive. If I were an animal relying on such instincts, I would most certainly be in heaven, hell, or purgatory.

Towards the end of last week's game, I was clearly disappointed in my pitching ability and went all-out for an easy ground ball up the 1st baseline.

I dove.

I couldn't help it.

The shorts couldn't save me - I raspberried my right forearm, full thigh and my left knee. Also, there was no play. The runner touched first base at about the instant I hit the ground.

I'd better start bringing a first aid kit to the games. It's not likely that I'm going to learn the lesson that grass is much more forgiving than the infield before sacrificing more of my knees.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Reason #867 to Use a Fake Phone Number

I met a seemingly normal guy last Friday night at the Imperial Room. We were drinking the same drink, he made me laugh once. But nothing captivating enough to keep me from returning promptly to my friends after paying for my drink.

A little while later we ran into each other again in passing and my friend stopped to talk to someone so we had a conversation. At some point between ordering the drink and 1/2" from the rim, I lost the common sense to say no when he asked for my phone number.

We didn't see each other the rest of the night, but not by his choice.

Text Message #1
3/25/06 1:29am
Classification: Bitter
Why would u blow me off

Response #1
3/25/06 1:36am
Classification: Instinctually feeling guilty for hurting his feelings
Sorry - I went to the bathroom

Text Message #2
3/25/06 1:45am
Classification: From left field
U wanna cuddle

Me: Hoping it was a mass-text gone bad

Text Message #3
3/25/06 1:46am
Classification: Creepy
Look to your right

Me: God help me, don't look to your right!

Text Message #4
3/25/06 2:04am
Classification: Stalker
Should i wait for u

Me: Slight panic, scan for nearest exit

Text Message #5
3/25/06 2:07am
Classification: Psycho
Can i go home with u i wanna cuddle

Me: Contemplating a lock change

I thought I was out of the woods when the texts stopped there.

WRONG!

Text Message #6
3/25/06 10:31am
Classification: Disillusioned
I just wanted to tell ive always kind of had a thing for u and i think your really attractive so i look forward to seeing you!

Response #2
3/25/06 10:32am
Classification: Perplexed but maybe this guy thought he knew me and the me in his mind was the type who likes psycho-babble
Always? We met for the first and last time last night.

Text Message #7
3/25/06 10:34am
Classification: Very disillusioned
Im pretty sure we met through allegra

Response #3
3/25/06 10:35am
Classification: Near relief - he has the wrong girl!
I don't know what allegra is... I think you have the wrong girl.

Text Message #8
3/25/06 10:37am
Classification: Disappointing
I remember u, your the cute asian girl

Text Message #9
3/25/06 10:41am
Classification: Eyebrow-raising
I meant we would look cute 2gether

Lucky me, it doesn't end there!

5 days later

Text Message #10
3/30/06 5:15pm
Classification: Desperate
I wanna go out 2nite so if u wanna get 2gether let me know

Response #4
3/30/06 5:18pm
Classification: Careful - get to the point, but not such that he decides to come after me with one
I'm sorry to be rude but I'm not interested in getting together.

Surely, this is the end.

Text Message #11
3/31/06 12:46pm
Lets go out 2nite

Me: Thinking, really?!? Me too, just not with you because I'm not really into being murdered.

Text Message #12
3/31/06 1:55pm
Thanks for not giving me the time of day

What's worse, is I actually felt guilty for being abrupt. And for wanting to respond "You're welcome"

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

7:39 PM

  • The time at which it's too early to have had 4.5 beers.
  • The time I should have gone to sleep on Friday.
  • At least maybe not consumed the Irish Car Bomb at the Imperial Room.

    Let's just hope the nice folks at Brit's will allow me back :)

    R & E & G - I owe you all a beer. Actually, I owe you 36 so I can repay you for taking care of me!

  • Thursday, February 02, 2006

    A Lesson in Love

    I took a sanity 1/2 day today and finished the final season of Sex and the City.

    It's so easy to relate to. Arguably unfortunately so. And the reason why single ladies such as myself are hopelessly addicted to it has been questioned recently. Yes, you know who you are :)

    I'm embarrassingly impressionable, so I started wondering "why" myself. I love it so much that I find semi-tangible joy in being able to relate to these 4 women who, let's face it, are in baffling crazy and unfulfilling relationships most of the time. Could this repetitive example be detrimental to my dating health? Is it fathomable that I was somehow justifying my bad relationship choices by the fact that it all seemed normal, even better at times, than the best damn sports show period?

    Was I chasing Mr. Big because I fell in love with Chris Noth when he was in Law & Order with my other love Angie Harmon? Now that is transference.

    But it all came together today. It's not about the bad relationships, the toxic bachelors, the unstableness of perceived sanity. It's about the lessons, the triumphs, the purity of love no matter how fleeting. The Dance.

    Because in order to define, experience, and embrace what it is that you truly desire, you have to know what you do not.

    Carrie said to her Russian:

    "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

    And I smiled as tears welled up in my eyes. I guess I just didn't know that I did.

    Saturday, January 14, 2006

    Stunt Double

    The Situation:
    You enter your parked snow-tireless car and attempt to back out. To your dismay, your tires spin violently and no amount of clutch feathering can help you. Although the spot is about as level as they come, there is an inch of ice covering the beloved texture of asphalt. You've tried everything you can think of: rocking the car back and forth, varying speeds and methods of letting off the clutch, telekinesis, one-legged-Flinestoning it. Then it comes to you.

    In true Hollywood style, you convince yourself you can jump out of the car, push enough momentum into the 3,500 pound beast and jump back in to control the vehicle before it hits anything.

    The Reality:
    Your shoes aren't snow tires either.

    You make it out of the car alright, turn south, grip the door frame and push with all your might. Thing is, the car actually starts sliding forward. Panicked, you turn to jump back in the driver's seat. Unfortunately, your feet have other plans and jump out from beneath you sending your ass to the ground, but not before hitting the car's unforgiving door jam first. With the car gaining momentum forward, you manage to scramble into the car and find the brake just before the car lunges into the ditch.

    Score: 6
    Would have been a 9 if there had been a witness. Although the bruise did last for a week.

    Saturday, April 09, 2005

    Ah-choo

    I'm finally feeling a little better. I've had the flu since Tuesday. It hit me pretty hard. Sadly though, mostly because I undermedicated myself. I've always kind of let the fever run its course and only taken medicine when I really needed it which might explain why I didn't start taking ibuprofen until Wednesday. I also had learned that doctors don't do anything for viruses so not even to bother going in.

    Times have changed.

    I finally went to the doc on Thursday since my fever went up 1.5 degrees for the 3rd day in a row. Not only did I find out I should have been taking more ibuprofen and staggering it with Tylenol, but if I would have come in even 12 hours earlier, I could have had a shot to help with my symptoms. Who knew?

    I went home, started the regular doses of meds and my fever broke for the first time. It came back as soon as the meds wore thin, but at least the discomfort was lessened so that I could nap. I was so uncomfortable on Wednesday, I couldn't even sleep!!

    Lessons learned:

  • If you think you have the flu, go to the doctor right away. I have access to minute clinics all over the metro; 15 minutes in and out and on with your life. I can't believe I missed this simple step!

  • Medicine was invented to make you more comfortable. Use it.

    After all that's been said and done, having the flu is a great excuse to get new fluffy pillows and unders. Here's a little secret, Kohl's has very cute (read: sexy) ones for under $5.

    Love and Lysol,

    Cari

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